Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Whatever He wants

Wow, I have finally gotten a blog!

My name is Sara and I am finishing up my last semester at Franciscan University of Steubenville. I am 22 years old. My eyes are scapular colored or forest colored - whichever you prefer. I like to talk to people, to get to know them, and to think about them long after our paths have parted.
I like good food, walks in the woods, and many other things. I don't have an easy time expressing myself. I am an extrovert - my energy comes from the inspiration and presence of others, whether or not they are beside me at any given time.

I guess I am getting this blog because I have a lot of things going on in my life right now...and this is a good way of trying to figure out what is happening to me and all around me.

Fact: I don't know what will happen or where I will go after I graduate.
Joy: God can do anything with me! If I let Him. And I want to.

Why: I want Christ. I want all of Him. And something is holding me back.

Wanting others to like me more than wanting God's will for me.

On New Year's Day, minutes after the clock chimed in a new decade, I found myself greeting 2010 surrounded by the sweetest group of strangers. Elderly, British, hugging one another, hugging me, blowing noise makers for the joy of life, they were all a taste of what Christ wanted to communicate to me.
After depression, moving, suicide-related circumstances, sexual harrassment, and abandonment, I was done with everything. It was a labor to feel and not to feel. It was terrible to be invisible yet visible, loved yet unloved, feeling yet unfeeling, dead and yet undead, alive yet existing.
All this coursed around me as I realized that Christ was trying to remind me of all the promises He has made me. "I have prepared a home for you - it will be everything you desire and more."

Fact: I am afraid of desiring because when I have desired, what I love is taken away.

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell. I believe that the most lawless and inordinate loves are less contrary to God’s will than a self-invited and self-protective lovelessness…We shall draw nearer to God, not by trying to avoid the sufferings inherent in all loves, but by accepting them and offering them to Him; throwing away all defensive armour. If our hearts need to be broken, and if He chooses this as a way in which they should break, so be it.
~ C.S. Lewis

So there I was, surrounded by these beautiful people, and my heart was melting in spite of myself. It was then that Christ asked me. "I have been broken for you. Will you be broken for Me?"
I knew what it meant and I was too in love to care. "YES!" I told Him, with all my heart.
Little did I know what that "Yes," would mean for me in the following weeks, and more importantly, what they meant for Him.